


the uncertainty of almost

by shiningrey



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, F/M, M/M, One Shot, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-01-25
Packaged: 2019-03-09 07:38:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13476801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shiningrey/pseuds/shiningrey
Summary: Jim loves Spock. Spock is marrying Uhura. These are the snippets of that story. Or alternatively, an examination of the strange ways we love to suffer.





	the uncertainty of almost

**Author's Note:**

> My first ever fic so cringe is inevitably rife. Sentence structure is consistently dubious at best. Undoubtedly poorly edited (by myself), but i promise i'm learning. This is purely for documentation purposes, but please enjoy.

Spock stood before the mirror, unaware of Jim’s presence. 

“Captain I am in need of your assistance.” Perhaps not so unaware then.

“For the last time Spock, its Jim, at least on your wedding day.” Spock turned, eyebrow raised, multiple ties hanging from his hands.

“Jim,” he paused, “It seems I am unable to decide,” lifting his laden hands pointedly, “according to human tradition either the tie or cravat is acceptable, however I find myself more inclined toward the tie, It’s simple elegance resembles a more Vulcan style.” He looked up at Jim, calm. Jim’s heart leapt. He ignored it, smiling.

“Spock,” he strode forward to clap his friend on the shoulder, “as always, whatever you choose I will be a proud Captain, and friend,” referring to more than just Spock’s choice in garment. Spock’s eyes flashed so imperceptibly Jim almost thought he had imagined it. “But honestly, if you pick the cravat we can’t be friends.” 

——

Uhura was a vision, angelic. Spock looked no where else but upon his bride, ever dutiful. Jim felt as though his heart would break apart. It was a special breed of torture he felt, to stand, inches from Spock, as he wedded Uhura, with a crushing sort of finality. It was only when their kiss ended, sealing the ceremony that he breathed out shakily amidst the raucous applause. He felt he was falling.

—— 

Later at the reception, Jim approached the bride. 

“Congratulations Lieutenant,” Uhura, ever the communications expert, wasn’t easily fooled. 

“Thank you Captain.” Jim felt disgust curl within him as he witnessed the pity shining in her lovely eyes. The heat of New Vulcan weighing heavy upon him, Jim turned away. His hands began to shake. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and his heart leapt to his throat. He turned. 

“You don’t look great kid,” Bones’ brow furrowed in concern. Jim almost sobbed in relief. And disappointment. 

“I’ve been better,” he managed, Bones looked pained. Pity. Jim felt he would catch alight. His head began to spin, he craved the privacy of his quarters. 

“I might turn in early Bones.” Bones looked as if there was something he wanted to say. Offer advice perhaps? Comfort? In the end he settled with neither.

“Good idea Jimmy.”  
Jim stumbled to the edge of the pavilion, distantly examining the cracks in the ground. 

“One to beam up.”

——

Spock was dismayed he was unable to find Jim. He had come to think of the captain as his closest friend and companion aside from Uhura. He desired his friends company very much on what would likely be the most socially significant occurrence of his life. Amidst the general din and the lengthy conversation, the captains whereabouts was constantly on his mind. 

It was Leonards reception that alerted him further to Jim’s absence.

“Well…” Bones paused, looking down as he swivelled his drink in his hand, “good luck you kids.” He looked up again, with a small smile, and Spock thought he saw some unidentifiable emotion flash across his drawn features. But it vanished before he could further examine such a possibility. Uhura pulled Spock closer toward her. 

“Thank you Leonard,” her smile infectious, and Spock forgot about Jim’s absence. 

“Doctor as far as I am aware ‘kids’ is a term largely used in order to describe a child of the Terran species. As neither Nyota nor I are children, I must call into question the use of this term.”

“Damn hobgoblin,” Bones muttered, as he turned away. 

—— 

Bones was a doctor. He was capable and intelligent, well versed in a variety of medicinal facets. Yet somehow not a single piece of this information would ever help him heal Jim. A fact of which he was painfully aware.

After countless introductions to stiff, important looking Vulcans, amidst the sweltering atmosphere, Bones wanted nothing more than to strangle Spock. To yell and scream, to break that Vulcan resolve.

Later, as he returned to his quarters he flipped out his communicator, anxious as to Jim’s wellbeing. 

“Up for some Baruvian ale kiddo? It’ll make you feel better, I promise.”  
He was met with a strange silence. A silence highly unlike Jim. Given the circumstance panic seared through his stomach, hot and immediate, and he began to run. Lovesick, destructive Jim was not a creature Bones trusted.

 

——

As Bones entered the medical override to enter Jim’s sealed quarters, after being met by a terrifying stillness when attempting to chime the bell, his hands shook, his throat was tight. Bones didn’t dare to think of what a heartbroken Jim was capable of. He burst into the room, Jim nowhere to be found. Bones was dumbfounded. Becoming frantic he flung cushions from the bed, as if in some bizarre scenario Jim would be soundly asleep under them.  
Then, he heard it, a small sound from the bathroom. He started towards it, his voice shaking.

“Jim!” he was met with a cold silence.  
As the doors slid open he was greeted by the sight of Jim, cold and weak and still, clothes strewn haphazardly around him. 

——

As the ceremony began to wind down Spock felt the need to meditate looming stronger than ever. Uhura approached him.  
“Spock go up to the ship,” he looked at her. She smiled. 

“I know it’s hard. Let me take care of the stragglers.” Spock could only look upon her, as the warmth of her love washed over him. She pressed a kiss to his forehead. Spock watched Uhura walk away from him, hair trailing behind her.  
He flipped out his communicator. 

“One to beam up.”

——

As he lifted Jim onto the bed Bones let out a sob. Jim’s head simply lolled to the side in response, face relaxed and childlike in a way that made Bones’ insides twist. Bones gently prodded him in an attempt to wake him.  
In response Jim sat up with a start, eyes flung wide open. Turning, he simply looked at Bones.  
And then, he began to silently cry, gently gasp. Hollow grief. Bones couldn’t help but break himself, as he witnessed, Jim Kirk, captain of the Starship Enterprise, creator and destroyer of worlds, crumble so completely, so decidedly. And Jim turned and wrapped his arms around Bones, all left unspoken, as his body shook under the weight of the sky. 

——

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk,” Spock started as he stepped from the transporter pad. 

“Captain Kirk is in his quarters,” chirped back the computer. Eyebrows furrowed, Spock suspected he was already asleep, and decided not to intrude.

——

Later that night Jim made his way to the Observation Deck. After watching Bones fall asleep he’d quickly made his retreat, knowing he would be unable to rest. He stepped into the room, lost in his own thoughts, but quickly realised he was not alone as he suspected, as someone rose and turned to face him. 

“Spock,” Jim coughed, “what’re you doing here?” He was determined to suppress his memories of the night’s events. 

“I found myself unable to meditate, so I had come to seek solace elsewhere.” He paused, momentarily losing himself to the sight of the universe before him. “And yourself captain?”  
Jim was lost as to how to answer such a question. He made his way to sit down next to Spock, soon after which Spock seated himself. 

“I find the stars…calming.” Spock watched as Jim smiled at the sight of the glimmering cosmos. 

“Although it is…highly illogical,” said Spock, “I tend to agree.” Jim turned to face him, almost incredulous. 

“Spock? Illogical? Never, I refuse to believe such a thing.” 

“Thank you Jim.”  
They sat together in silence, the stars glimmering. But Jim hardly noticed them.


End file.
